Carnival mirrors distort a reflection. Thin people look fat and fat people look thin. Foreheads protrude and chins disappear. Conversely, squinty eyes look larger and indistinct cheekbones become defined. Most everyone has a carnival mirror. In a world where image reigns supreme, for many people, the way they see themselves in that mirror is a window into their self-worth. Unfortunately, women generally look in and see a grotesque image reflecting back and generally men see an agreeable reflection, if they even care to look.

Caveat to reader: This missive is not based on a data-based analysis. These are observations I’ve gleaned from my own life experience. I do know a few outliers. I have great male friends who are meticulously groomed and I know women who believe they are beauty queens. I have not been one of those women.

Probably thousands of hours of my life have been wasted attempting to become more beautiful. I brushed, dried, and curled my hair; applied makeup, creams, and sprays to my face in the morning and removed the layers at night. I used implements of pain including tweezers, wax, eyelashes, hot hair curlers, and those little crochet hooks that poke holes in your scalp in attempts to pull strands of hair through plastic caps to highlight hair.

Most of my girlfriends tortured themselves similarly. My high school friend Pam and I talked on our backlit princess phones (mine in powder blue) during the hour plus before school it took each of us to apply layers of makeup to our faces and Farah Faucet curls to our hair.

A Harvard article entitled “The Ugly Truth about Beauty Products,” states that over 50% of sampled cosmetic products contained high levels of harmful PFAS ingredients. PFAS, per- or polyfluoroalkyl substances, that have been linked to a host of adverse human health effects and may be toxic at extremely low doses.

I also knew girls who so hated their body image that they resorted to anorexia and bulimia. Always believing that the thinner they were the more beautiful they would appear. They are never thin enough. The extreme result of this affliction is death. Singer Karen Carpenter, who ironically sang the number one hit “Top of the World” with her brother Richard, starved herself to death.

As my friends approach 60, more and more are consumed with wrinkles, hooded eyes, double chins, and crepe skin on necks and chests. They exchange information on anti-aging pills, lotions, procedures, and injections.

A 2019 study (The Whole Truth Behind Botulinum Toxin – A Review by Henryk Witmanowski and Katarzyna Błochowiak) states that injections of botulinum toxins the most common cosmetic procedure performed worldwide, with estimates of nearly 3 million injections per year, yet they are among the most toxic poisons. Type A (BoNT-A) is the most potent and it is used the most commonly. Though rare when used in cosmetic applications, side-effects may be life-threatening.

Then there are the men in my life. They are mostly unconcerned with their looks. In fact, their appearance is not on their radar. Short and tall, skinny and fat, and old and young men talk about almost anything other than body image. Balding, overweight men with food stains on their shirts run their fingers through their receding hair, splash their faces with water, look in the mirror, and like what they see. They’re good to go.

A 2017 study does confirm that men generally have higher self-esteem and subjective well-being than women, especially in areas with high gender equality. (https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.671785/full#B15.)

Most of my life, I’ve been the stereotypical female. My carnival mirror has reflected an image that has never been good enough. I concealed “unattractive” body parts with loose-fitting clothes, I wore layers of makeup and spent hours fixing my hair. My true self was never likable in my own estimation.

I’ve turned a corner, but I’m not yet there. It’s my muscle memory to hide who I really am for fear of rejection or even isolation. As I learn to like myself more, warts and all, I care less and less about people who reject me for who I truly am. I don’t have the bandwidth anymore to work to become that unachievable perfect person in everyone’s eyes.

I hope to shed what’s left of my false skin and shine as the imperfect human that I am. That would be the most freeing thing I’ve ever done. If it comes at the price of losing people I thought were my friends, so be it. Life is too short to try to please everyone.

“But it’s all right now
I learned my lesson well
You see, you can’t please everyone
So you got to please yourself.”

Garden Party, by Ricky Nelson